Once upon a cowpie
by Amaranth Sedai
Summary: Princess Zelda haters unite! When Zelda dresses up in a cow suit to spy on Link and Malon, anything can happen...YAY!!! CHAP 4 IS HERE!!!!
1. Enter the Cow

Disclaimer: this story was co-written by myself and my good buddy Zhaneel. Unfortunately, we do not own Zelda, but if we did...ooh, if we did, SHE WOULD DIE AN IMMENSELY PAINFUL DEATH!!!!!!! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!!!  
Cough...ummm...sorry.   
  
Note: Oh, and by the way, when and if Shiek shows up in this story, HE AND ZELDA ARE NOT THE SAME PERSON!! GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEADS!!!! Ok?! Good. Now, on with the show!  
  
Dedication: To all Princess Zelda and Navi haters everywhere!!!!!  
_______________________________________________________________________  
Zelda cursed under her breath as she stepped in yet another cowpie. "Oh fudge, that better not stain! That red-headed wench will pay for my dry-cleaning bills if it does..."   
She continued to mutter unintelligibly to herself she struggled to zip up her hand-woven silk cow costume (complete with a brand new 65-carot gold cowbell and bright fuschia velvet bow), and stalk silently through the fields at the same time.  
" Heh-heh...gasp...wheeze...Link will never ...gasp...even suspect that...wheeze...I'm here...pant... in this brilliant disguise." She let out a deep breath as she finally managed to squeeze herself into the costume. "I'll finally be able to catch him with that, that farm wench, that country bizzom, that, that...GIRL. And then he'll HAVE to come back to me!" She sighed dreamily as she pictured the tall, blonde, drop-dead GORGEOUS hunk of a man holding her tenderly in his strong, well-muscled arms...  
SQUISH.  
"Mice!" she swore, then sighed. Another cowpie! As she wearily bent down to scrape the muck off her hoof, Zelda froze.  
"Oh, Link, that was fantastic!"  
Zelda peered over the bushes in front of her, quickly (and rather inconspicuously she thought) dropping to all fours. She gave a loud gasp, quickly turning it into a moo as she stared, dumbstruck, at Malon.  
The little wench was running with her skirts hiked up to her knees! Had she no decency? No modesty? How could Link prefer this brazen little tart over her? The lovely Zelda, Princess of Hyrule, former Sage of Light...  
She gritted her teeth angrily, thinking of her former title. How dare kick her out of the Sage club! She was what held that little group up, gave it dignity... and they kicked her out. For no reason! So what if she had thrown a Light arrow at Ruto? The stupid fish-head had tried to marry her precious Link!   
And her replacement...  
Zelda balled up her fists, trying to control her rage. No, she wouldn't think of that  
now, there were more important things at hand.  
Link had just dismounted from... what was his horse's name again? Pony? What a stupid name for a horse. She had named her horse Cupcake. Now that was a fitting name for a horse.  
Oh wait, Link was talking...  
"Shucks Malon," he said gallantly. " I'm sure you could have done better than a measly 49 seconds."  
"You're right," agreed Malon. "I can and have done better, but don't get discouraged, it's a hard obstacle course!"  
"Discouraged?" Link laughed. "I never get discouraged. I beat Ganondorf and that stupid Mask didn't I?" He gave her a grin, trying to show off his muscles without being too conspicuous.  
Zelda sighed, watching him flex his biceps. He was soooooo handsome! And soon, he would be hers...  
Malon muttered something too low for Zelda to hear, turning to stroke the horse.  
"What was that?" Link asked, still showing off.  
"Oh, nothing Link," Malon replied hastily, turning to give him a brief smile.   
While her back was turned, Link sighed, gazing like a moon-struck calf at Malon.  
Zelda was livid. How dare that stupid cow-herding ninny flirt with her precious  
Link! And the way he was looking at her...Zelda wanted to throw a princessly temper tantrum, but she was pretty sure that cows, even princess cows, did not throw temper tantrums. So she settled for a loud angry "MOOOOOOO!!!!"   
Malon jumped, looked around, and then flashed a brief apologetic smile at Link.  
"I'm so sorry Link, but I have to put the cows in the barn. Will you excuse me for a minute? It's getting late."  
"Of course! Go ahead! I'll just practice on Epona for a while..." he trailed off. Malon was already dashing away.   
Zelda gave a start. Oh fish! Malon was heading straight for her, cooing gently. She looked distracted, her eyes slightly unfocused as she ushered the cows towards the barn.  
Ha! Zelda thought viciously. Upset about being away from my man, eh? Well, if I have anything to say about it - and I will! - you'll never see my Linky-poo again you, you... drat! I can't think of a good word! Fuming, Zelda racked her brain furiously for the right word, completely oblivious of the barn door closing behind her.  
  
The End... for now. PLEASE review!!!! This is my first fanfic, so go easy on me... 


	2. Abduction

Disclaimer: Sigh...no, I do not own Zelda or even my own sanity but that's another story...  
  
Note: Look people, this is only the SECOND CHAPTER! Neither Shiek nor Navi will show up for awhile! Ok? Ok. Oh, and I'm sorry, I made a mistake in the first chapter. Zelda is the Sage of Wisdom, not Light... my bad.  
  
Dedication: To all Princess Zelda and Navi haters everywhere!  
________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Zelda spun around just as the barn door slammed shut.  
"What? Wait, no, this wasn't supposed to happen!" She stood up and tried vainly to get out of her cow suit. "Don't you DARE leave me in here you meanie!" she yelled, still struggling with the zipper. "It's dark and smelly and I want Link!!!!" She finally managed to claw her way out of the confining material and started pounding on the door. "Let me out!!!! You did this on purpose!!!!" Unable to break down the door, she sat down on the dirty wooden floor and started to bawl. " WAAAAAAHHHH!!!! When...sob...I get out of here...sniffle...you're ALL going to the dungeon!!!! WAAAAAHHH!!!!"   
She was so caught up in her tantrum that she didn't notice the green light filtering through the cracks in the wooden planks. In fact, she was so preoccupied with planning what she was going to do to Malon when she got out of there that she was completely oblivious to the cows slowly disappearing around her.  
"Sniffle, Wha?..." she looked around, tears still streaming down her face. "I thought...sniff...that there were cows in here...huh?" A beam of green light shone straight at her face, blinding her. "Owww! Stop it! You'll ruin my beautiful princessly eyes!" She rubbed them furiously trying to clear her head, then stopped. The green light had faded, and she wasn't in the barn anymore...in fact, she wasn't even in Hyrule anymore. The ground she was sitting on was covered with velvety green grass. The only thing there other than grass was a huge tree, seeming to be exactly in the middle of her new surroundings. The sky was a peaceful blue, and it seemed as though all was right with the world...   
"Ooooohhh... I like it here!" Zelda sat up and looked around, her earlier feelings already forgotten. "I wonder though, where is my Royal Escort? The people here must know that I'm a princess, and have brought me here for a wonderful ball in my honor..." She babbled on to herself about the dress she would wear and the food at the banquet and the décor of the ballroom for quite some time as she got up and wandered towards the tree. "...And the music will all be ballads composed about my beauty, and, AHHHHHHHH!!!" Suddenly, the chattering princess was surrounded by four...things. They wore odd robes, had large bulbous eyes, and seemed to float a foot above the ground. They all held instruments that looked vaguely like cattle-prods, and they hummed with electricity.   
The princess stamped her foot angrily and tossed her head, holding herself proudly.   
"Where have you lazy oafs been? I have been waiting for you to escort me for ages! Now get moving, we must be in time for my dress-fitting!" The beings all looked at each other, shrugged, and started to glide effortlessly towards the tree, leaving Zelda in their wake.   
"Wait! Come back here! You're all supposed to come a step behind meeeeeee! Wait up!"  
She started running after them still yelling. "I'll have you...pant...all thrown...gasp...in the dungeon...wheeze...for your insolence!!"   
The four beings (paying no attention to the princess), continued to float towards the tree, ignoring the small masked children running around the base. They all stopped simultaneously and stared wordlessly at Zelda, who was trying to look dignified and catch her breath at the same time and was failing.   
"Pant...continue...wheeze...your game...gasp...children." She tried smiling graciously at them but only succeeded in giving herself a coughing fit. The children all continued to stare at her as she made her way toward the tree.  
"Stop staring you, you, miscreants!"   
The children, nonplussed, looked at each other and immediately started to run around again.   
"Stupid brats..." Zelda muttered under her breath, then quickly looked around to make sure no one had heard. She heard the beings moving behind her, and quickly turned around.  
"Alright, I'm ready...AGGGHHHHH!!!!!!" Before she could move, the beings all pulled out small metal instruments and pointed them at the Princess, bathing her in an eerie green light.   
Zelda shut her eyes tight in a pathetic attempt to protect herself. When she opened them...   
_________________________________________________________________  
TBC. Please review! 


	3. The Plot Thickens

Disclaimer: If I owned Zelda, why would I be here writing this?! I would be off selfishly extorting the characters and making lots and LOTS of money!!! MWA-HAHAHAHA!!!!  
  
Note: Look people….I understand flames, and I am not opposed to them. However, I am opposed to ANONYMOUS FLAMERS!!!!!!!!!!! Look you @%$&# people…if you're gonna flame someone, AT LEAST HAVE THE GUTS TO PUT YOUR NAME!!!! DOES NO ONE PRACTICE HONOR ANYMORE!!!??? DIE ANONYMOUS FLAMERS!!!!!!! *Balefires all *&$#%'in anonymous flamers*   
MWA-HAHAHAhaha…ha? *Surveys damage* Ummmmm…look, if anyone from Randland comes over here….you never saw me….  
Oh, and one more thing….who the Hell ever said this was an M/L story?!   
*I* sure didn't….heh heh….  
  
Dedication: To all Navi and Zelda haters everywhere!!!  
  
….She was in a huge chamber, all wooden and decorated with golden Faeries. The ceiling was so high that she couldn't quite make it out except for the shining lanterns that hung down from it.  
Zelda put her hands on her hips, glaring about the room. This was no ballroom! How dare they! Didn't they know that she, the glorious Princess Zelda, was gracing them with her presence?! And where were all the people to ooh and aah at her beauty and charm? There was no one there!  
She turned around, still fuming, and gasped. She had been so busy glaring that she hadn't noticed the daisis directly behind her. It was covered by a royal purple cloth, seeming to be velvet, embroidered with dancing Faeries Two saffron curtains hung behind it, adding majesty and mystery to the platform. And on top….oh on top!....there was a lovely golden throne!   
The throne shone eerily in the glow of the lanterns, but it only helped to give an air of majesty to the diasis. Yet more Faeries, this time in silver, covered the sides and held up the arms, each one frozen in various graceful movements. A golden velvet cushion with saffron tassels adorned the seat, completing the perfect image of luxury.  
Zelda was in love. She imagined herself in a new dress (silver of course, to complement the throne) seated on that throne, waving graciously to the masses of people that were there to marvel over the beauty and kindness of their glorious princess. And, of  
course, Link would be there, and upon seeing her radiant beauty, he would fall upon his knees and –   
"WHO ARE YOU?!"  
Zelda gasped and spun around, searching for the source of the voice. She didn't see anything –  
"I SAID, WHO ARE YOU?! IDENTIFY YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
Zelda cringed, looking around nervously. "I - I am the Princess Zelda, and – and I demand that I be shown the – the respect I….deserve?" she finished, eyes frantically searching the room.  
Suddenly, a blinding light filled the room, causing Zelda's princessly blue eyes to water like crazy. After it faded, she lifted her head to look at the throne. It was occupied by a familiar pink glow.  
"Navi!?" Zelda gasped. "What are you doing here? Aren't you off with –"  
"Silence!" the pink glow-ball demanded. "I will not tolerate your insolence! I am Queen here, ME!! Not you, *Princess*" She glowered in Zelda's direction. "You think you're sooooooo special, being in ALL the games, don't you? Well let me tell you something, Princess: You are nothing but a whore. You are the love interest, the beautiful damsel in distress, the girly-girl who hogs the spotlight from more DESERVING characters like myself. Well I refuse to give up! After they kicked me out of Ocarina of Time, I decided it was time to take matters into my own hands. It was disgustingly simple to become total ruler of this rock, but I'm not stopping here, oh no! I will rule the world one day, but for now…" she gave what was supposed to be an evil chuckle "I will extract revenge from my once 'partner', the so-called 'Hero of Time', that disgusting pretty boy always doing what's right….Link."   
Zelda gasped "No! You can't hurt my Linky-poo!"   
Navi gave her tinkly-bell laugh again. "On the contrary my dear Princess, I won't *hurt* your darling Link…." Her pinkish glow turned blood red "I'm going to kill him. And you, the object of his heart's desires, are going to help me."  
R&R please…..more to come if I get more reviews......hehe 


	4. A Plea for Help

Disclaimer: Look, if I owned Zelda, why would I be writing this? I would be off extorting the characters for my own profit and enjoyment, not writing pathetic pieces of fiction with little to no plot. Sigh..now I'm depressed..  
  
Note: Sorry people, I know that the last chapter wasn't at all funny, but in order to have some semblance of a story, I have to have a plot. Chapter three was just a stupid ploy to appease the evil plot-bunnies that torment me so.. Oh, and before I forget, I LOVE YOU DARK COMET!!! You have given me the only constructive criticism yet! See you bloody freakish-type people? You CAN constructively flame someone! What a bloody revelation..She ALSO didn't argue about which pairing is better like SOME people I could name, but instead actually told me WHAT SHE THOUGHT!! GET WITH THE PROGRAM!!! ..Ok, I'm done ranting now.  
  
Link rode out of Lon Lon Ranch on Epona later that night. He frowned as he ran over the events of the evening in his head. Malon had seemed so.distant tonight. Not like usual. She also hadn't been impressed by his feats of heroism in Termina when he had filled her in on them. Well, not nearly as impressed as she should have been anyways. She should have gasped in delight, oohed and ahhed in amazement, really have listened! But, she didn't, and Link couldn't figure out why. He sighed and shrugged. Oh well, he'd figure it out tomorrow. All that riding had exhausted him; all he really wanted to do was get home and sleep. Yawning deeply, he steered Epona towards the entrance to the Lost Woods, happily visualizing his bed in his cozy little treehouse.  
"Hoo! Hoo! Wait Link! Hero of Time, I beseech thee, waaaaait!!"  
Link jerked his head up and twisted around in the saddle to see who was calling him. Squinting into the darkness, he could make out a large blobby shape winging its way towards him. He groaned, recognizing it instantly.  
"Dammit!" he muttered, realizing escape was hopeless.  
A large owl landed in a tree besides Epona, blinking peevishly in the dim light. It ruffled its feathers importantly, not seeming to notice the death-glare Link was giving it.  
"Didn't I leave you in Termina?" Link grated, scowling.  
The owl blinked again, quite oblivious to the disgust dripping from Link's words.  
"Of course not, dear boy! I have to look after you after all!" The owl hooted loudly as if at a joke while Link continued to glare, refusing to comment. The owl quieted down again, ducking and bobbing its head all the while.  
"But, all pleasantries aside, I have some urgent news for you!"  
Link snorted in disgust. "Oh yeah? And what would that be?"  
"It's the princess Zelda! She has been kidnapped!" The owl opened its eyes wide in distress.  
Link shrugged. "Yeah, so?"  
The owl blinked again, confused. "And, eh, we need you to, um, rescue her." it trailed off uncertainly, tilting its head at the Hylian.  
Link sighed impatiently. "Look birdbrain, Zelda is ALWAYS in some type of trouble, and if you hadn't noticed, I really don't care. She's always all over me anyways." He shuddered, picturing the simpering blonde in his mind. "She practically stalks me.it's creepy."  
"Nonsense! She's just fond of you, that's all!"  
"Fond?? I don't think fond quite covers it. Does 'fond' include sending you messages every hour of the day? Does fond include showing up at your house at ungodly hours to graciously allow you to take her shopping? Does fond include simpering at me every second about how strong and handsome and brave I am till I just want to scream? Does fond-"  
"Hoot! Alright, maybe she is a bit taken with you," the owl amended hastily, ruffling its feathers nervously. "But she is our princess and she has been kidnapped - "  
Link cut in. "And the kingdom will thrive without her, trust me." Clucking to Epona, he started to ride forward again.  
"Hoot-ho! Don't go Link! We need you! You are our hero, our champion!..." It continued to babble on in this fashion as Link headed for the woods, completely ignoring the overgrown bird.  
A deep sigh from somewhere in the shadows caused the Hylian to freeze.  
"Who's there?" He demanded, casting about fruitlessly in the dark, picturing poes and peahats and every other unpleasant thing that roamed the fields at night.  
"I'm sorry Link, but that overgrown pigeon is right," A figure melted out of the shadows, carrying a lute in slender fingers.  
Link relaxed, leaning back in the saddle. "Sheik," He acknowledged, giving a wry smile. He and the Sheikah had become friends shortly after Sheik had come into his own; literally. Sheik was a little like Shadow Link; a manifestation of a person that had fissioned off and become its own deity. Although, Link had to admit, Sheik was a bit more talkative than his own manifestation. For one thing, they both enjoyed adventuring and shared a heated dislike of the princess that had unknowingly spawned the Sheikah. He had absolutely no desire to find out what other than looks he and Shadow Link had in common.  
Link nodded a greeting to his friend, then spoke up, puzzled. "The owl was right? How do you mean?"  
Sheik returned Link's nod, coming forward to stroke Epona's neck. "As much as I hate to admit it, we, or to be more exact, you, need to rescue Zelda." He heaved another sigh. "Unpleasant as it may be."  
"You're right about that anyway," Link looked skyward, thoroughly exasperated by this point. "Ok, I'll bite: Why do I need to rescue Hyrule's beloved Princess?"  
"Well, Zelda is not so much the objective here as the one who kidnapped her." Sheik pushed his long bangs out of his face as Link glowered down at him. As fond as he was of the odd Sheikah, he wished that just for once he would give him a straight answer.  
Sheik, noticing the look he was getting, grinned sheepishly.  
"Sorry.sometimes I forget that you don't have powers of Shadow at your command. Navi. Navi the fairy and your former partner has kidnapped Zelda."  
Much to Sheik's surprise, Link threw his head back and laughed.  
"NAVI?? You mean that stupid pink thing that followed me around Hyrule for what seemed like forever? How could she have accomplished something like this?"  
"Well.from what we understand, it was kind of..um..an accident. Zelda got herself kidnapped by Aliens -"  
"Not THOSE guys again." Link groaned, smacking himself in the forehead.  
Sheik cleared his throat and continued. " - and ended up on the Moon. Navi somehow has made herself monarch of the place and apparently nurses quite a grudge against you."  
"A grudge? What did I ever do to her?" Link demanded. "And how do you know all this anyway? Who is 'we'?"  
"As I said earlier," Sheik ground his teeth at his friend, finally annoyed. "Impa has, for my services against Gannondorf, allowed me use of the powers of Shadow. Shadows, I have found make excellent spies. Now, if I may continue." He shot a warning glare at Link, who returned it with a "who, me?" look.  
"Anyway, the Sages think that Navi may present some form of a threat. Thus, they need you to eliminate that threat. Got it?"  
"Loud and clear." Link sighed again, realizing escape from this one was impossible. "But I have just one question for you;" He leaned down, Sheik looking at him expectantly. "What's in it for me?"  
Despite himself, Sheik grinned, approving of Link's mercenary attitude.  
"I asked them that myself when they presented it to me," He replied with a chuckle. "And they promised, swore actually, that they would keep Zelda entertained and/or away from you for the rest of your life."  
"Done." Link didn't hesitate. He offered the Sheikah his hand, and Sheik shook it, grinning.  
"I thought you'd like that," He shook his hair out of his eyes again. "I'd certainly go any lengths for that kind of prize!"  
Link laughed. "You and me both!" With a slight grunt, he swung himself out of the saddle to stand beside his friend. "So, the objectives are, get to the moon, eliminate fairy threat, rescue damsel in distress. Is that all?"  
Sheik nodded an affirmative. "Yep. But you know the Sages; they aren't willing to do anything more that sit on their almighty arses and watch. Plus, they've got me doing all the spy work. So you're on your own for this one."  
Link shrugged indifferently. "Aren't I always?"  
Sheik clapped him on the shoulder. "You know I've always got your back." He told the Hylian seriously.  
"I know, I know," Link grinned back.  
Sheik returned the grin, then dropped his arm. "Well, back to the grind then." He gave Link a mock salute, backing up several paces. Raising his arm again, he dropped it sharply, as if throwing something at the ground. Link shielded his eyes against the blinding flash that followed, accompanied by a sharp clanging noise. When he could see again, he was unsurprised to find that Sheik was gone.  
Heaving another sigh, Link pulled himself back into the saddle. "Back to the grind indeed," He murmured, clucking to Epona. The mare moved forward obediently and Link rubbed the bridge of her neck absently. Now all he needed was a way to get to the moon.he blinked as it hit him, then gave a predatory grin. Aw yeah.he was gonna have FUN with this one.  
  
R&R as always! Sorry this one took so long.I have a long list of excuses for you, but I don't think anyone wants them.. 


End file.
